Friday, January 6, 2012

Naming My Emotions

2 Minutes on each feeling.

I feel Angry...
I feel angry about the way my life is going right now. I'm angry that I don't have the perfect life that I dreamed of as a child. I'm having massive problems in a relationship, I have tons of issues being gay and trying to be happy about being gay, I'm in a career area that I absolutely do not like and I regret so much of what I didn't do growing up. I was not a fun kid and I wish that had the insight as a teenager to explore more and make stupid decisions. I'm angry that I'm always too cautious and have always been too cautious. I'm angry that I feel the need to make everyone around me comfortable. I can't even hold hands with my partner without feeling the shame that I think everyone is giving me.

I feel Sad...
I feel sad that I'm alone. My partner is in a different city on a temporary job contract and I am here alone. We are using this time to work on "us". We are trying to figure out if we should stay together or not. I feel sad that I am superficial and don't find him attractive. I wonder if it is superficiality or if it is just me project how I view myself onto him. My self-esteem is at a major low. No one here finds me attractive, I don't even find me attractive.

I am Afraid...
I am afraid of ending up alone. I fear being alone for the rest of my life; not being able to love anyone or love myself. I am scared of death, very much so. I feel the fear come over me whenever I leave my apartment. I don't want to be out in public, it is all so scary. I am afraid of doing life on my own again. Back to trying to figure out how the world works and paying my bills alone and sending post on my own. I am afraid that I won't be loved, even worse, I suppose, I am afraid that I won't allow anyone to love me.

I am Sorry...
I am sorry to my partner right now that he has to go through all this shit that I am pushing onto him. He probably never signed up for someone who needs to work out their childhood issues. I'm sorry that I make it hard for him and give him seemingly impossible goals like reading my mind. I'm sorry to my mother that I don't call often and keep her informed of my travels abroad. I feel ashamed that my life isn't working out perfectly and she deserves to hear that my life is working out perfectly because that is what she wants. I am sorry to my friends for pushing them away, as I have a habit of doing when people are not physically near me.

I am Frustrated...
I am frustrated that I can't seem to get out of the lazy funk that I am in. Every day I spend a minimum of twenty minutes in bed before I get out. I even tried to get out of bed within five this morning. It's like my bed is an emotional magnet. The more caught up I am in my mind, the more distracted I need to become, so I stay in bed and read my phone forever. I am frustrated that I am stopping myself from going to the gym. It's good for me and I am sure that is why I am stopping myself from doing it. I am frustrated that I can't seem to meet up with new friends.

I am Worried...
I am worried that my life is going to change in the next month or two. I am worried that I will permanently separate from my partner and move on to the next phase in my life. I am worried that I may have contracted some STD in the last few months. I haven't had many sexual partners, three to count in the last 6 months, but I fear that I may have something. I have been reasonably protect. All but one was surely protected and the one I know as an old friend that said he was recently tested. I am worried that life will stay this way.

I am Disappointed...
I am disappointed that I haven't found the area that I am suppose to be in, career-wise. I am frustrated that I have six years of advanced education and I am not doing what I truly want to be doing. I am disappointed in myself that I have let it go on for so long. It's been ten years and all I have is some memories and a reasonable resume. I am disappointed in myself for not truly taking life by the horns and enjoying it. I want to go to the gym.

I am Happy...
I am happy that I have found some people here in the area that I can somewhat talk to. They are beginning to listen and that is truly wonderful. I am happy that my cats are getting weirder and more loving. I am happy that my partner and I still do chat via SMS. I am happy that I understand the technological way the world is moving. I am happy that I have this sense of nerdiness that allows me to appreciate all that is nerd and have that nerdiness infiltrate all areas of my life. I am happy that I am able to live and stay in a foreign land to experience a different world. This is truly something that not everyone is able to do and it is something I have always wanted to do.

I feel Secure...
I feel secure that all will end up the way it will and I will still be alive. I feel secure that even if things do explode in my life in the next few months that I have friends back home that will do more than just welcome me home. They will help me get back on my feet and support me for the rest of my life. I am confident of their love.

I am Grateful...
I am grateful for the wonderful things that I have in my life. For starters, since they are right in front of me, my cats. They love me and each other so much and I am grateful that they are like that. I am grateful for their personalities and for them. I am grateful for my friends both here and back home. "No man is a failure who has friends." They are truly a gift bestowed upon me and I appreciate them. I am grateful for my mother and brother who have endlessly worried about and supported me. They want the best for me and, in their own way, tell me that they miss me.


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