alex oliver

a boy and a lake

2012-01-06T15:08:00.001-08:00

There is an image that haunts my very soul. It's a dark image, many silhouettes appear, coming in and out, out of focus. The sound of silence rings in the ears of those who take a view upon the scene. When sounds do come, they are muted and create no echo. Their existence is short and provide no comfort from the escape of silence. The colors are drab and dull. Grass appears withered and dead while water provides no blue reflection, only that of dirty ponds.

there is a boy sitting at a lake. he is wearing shorts, tennis shoes, and socks that come up past his ankles. he is rather short but he is only a child. his hair is medium in length and somewhat sandy blonde...but dark as well. his shirt is baggy and dirty. he is sitting on the shore of this lake. his expression shows that of disappointment. he is playing with the rocks that are below him. he doesn't seem to be alone but he acts as if he is. he sits there, legs bent, sitting on the ground, looking morose and lifeless. something was taken from him. nothing physical but something that every child should have...a spark....a life force. this child exists without existing. he knows it. he just waits for the next thing. he is filled with disappointment. it isn't disappointment with himself but with someone else. at this stage he holds no disappointment for himself. he is crushed, though. he is utterly crushed. he doesn't cry but just waits. he picks up a rock and slightly hits it on another rock, knowing very well that nothing will happen. he knows the rocks won't break but he continues to do so. the rocks are nice and smooth. the water on the lake is calm and quiet. he is sitting there waiting for something to happen but, secretly, expects it to fail again. he is use to this kind of disappointment. this complete letdown. he doesn't think that he actually deserves to be made happy. he figures that life is just full of letdowns. he stops hitting his rock and crosses his arms over his knees and looks out on the lake. in front of him there is a row boat. it gently sways on the still water. there are two benches and two oars inside this boat. it's been there for quiet some time. the condition of the wood is not good, its protectant coating as long worn off and it splinters to the elements. it is as lonely and disappointed as the boy. it wants someone to validate its use and existence. it wants someone to row across the lake in it. but it sits there, half in the water, half on the shore, tied to a rock. it sits there and slowly dies and no one is watching or realizing what is happening. the boy gazes out on it but doesn't see its weathered condition. all the boy sees is a lost promise, an unfulfilled dream. the boy sees another opportunity to be let down. the boy wants his adventure but doesn't want it alone. his adventures alone provide no validation from the human world. he wants to be accepted. he wants people to recognize him for what he is. instead, he feels overlooked or badly looked upon. if only, he wouldn't be let down and someone would take him over and smile down at him and return his excitement. if only someone would feed into his imagination and help create an adventure of kings. an adventure that would take that rowboat and give it a color of deep golden brown. it's bow would be raised with ornate and elaborate wood workings. its oars would be in the shape of long branches with a leaf at the end. the boat would be the vessel that would take the boy and who he is waiting for to that special place where adventures come true. the boat would be proud to be the boy's boat and would always be looked upon as a vessel of honor and pride. the boy would stand tall at the front of the row boat as it made its way down the clear waters that reflect a beautiful, blue sky. from the waters, the boy would be able to see everything, not just the reflection of the sky but the reflection of time and space and himself. all that in a single reflection and the boat would be sailing through. they would reach the other side of that lake. but that is just what the boy fantasizes for. the reality stings as the boat sits in the quiet, still lake and the boy continues to tap one rock with another, sitting on the shore wondering where his person is.

Naming My Emotions

2012-01-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

2 Minutes on each feeling.

I feel Angry...
I feel angry about the way my life is going right now. I'm angry that I don't have the perfect life that I dreamed of as a child. I'm having massive problems in a relationship, I have tons of issues being gay and trying to be happy about being gay, I'm in a career area that I absolutely do not like and I regret so much of what I didn't do growing up. I was not a fun kid and I wish that had the insight as a teenager to explore more and make stupid decisions. I'm angry that I'm always too cautious and have always been too cautious. I'm angry that I feel the need to make everyone around me comfortable. I can't even hold hands with my partner without feeling the shame that I think everyone is giving me.

I feel Sad...
I feel sad that I'm alone. My partner is in a different city on a temporary job contract and I am here alone. We are using this time to work on "us". We are trying to figure out if we should stay together or not. I feel sad that I am superficial and don't find him attractive. I wonder if it is superficiality or if it is just me project how I view myself onto him. My self-esteem is at a major low. No one here finds me attractive, I don't even find me attractive.

I am Afraid...
I am afraid of ending up alone. I fear being alone for the rest of my life; not being able to love anyone or love myself. I am scared of death, very much so. I feel the fear come over me whenever I leave my apartment. I don't want to be out in public, it is all so scary. I am afraid of doing life on my own again. Back to trying to figure out how the world works and paying my bills alone and sending post on my own. I am afraid that I won't be loved, even worse, I suppose, I am afraid that I won't allow anyone to love me.

I am Sorry...
I am sorry to my partner right now that he has to go through all this shit that I am pushing onto him. He probably never signed up for someone who needs to work out their childhood issues. I'm sorry that I make it hard for him and give him seemingly impossible goals like reading my mind. I'm sorry to my mother that I don't call often and keep her informed of my travels abroad. I feel ashamed that my life isn't working out perfectly and she deserves to hear that my life is working out perfectly because that is what she wants. I am sorry to my friends for pushing them away, as I have a habit of doing when people are not physically near me.

I am Frustrated...
I am frustrated that I can't seem to get out of the lazy funk that I am in. Every day I spend a minimum of twenty minutes in bed before I get out. I even tried to get out of bed within five this morning. It's like my bed is an emotional magnet. The more caught up I am in my mind, the more distracted I need to become, so I stay in bed and read my phone forever. I am frustrated that I am stopping myself from going to the gym. It's good for me and I am sure that is why I am stopping myself from doing it. I am frustrated that I can't seem to meet up with new friends.

I am Worried...
I am worried that my life is going to change in the next month or two. I am worried that I will permanently separate from my partner and move on to the next phase in my life. I am worried that I may have contracted some STD in the last few months. I haven't had many sexual partners, three to count in the last 6 months, but I fear that I may have something. I have been reasonably protect. All but one was surely protected and the one I know as an old friend that said he was recently tested. I am worried that life will stay this way.

I am Disappointed...
I am disappointed that I haven't found the area that I am suppose to be in, career-wise. I am frustrated that I have six years of advanced education and I am not doing what I truly want to be doing. I am disappointed in myself that I have let it go on for so long. It's been ten years and all I have is some memories and a reasonable resume. I am disappointed in myself for not truly taking life by the horns and enjoying it. I want to go to the gym.

I am Happy...
I am happy that I have found some people here in the area that I can somewhat talk to. They are beginning to listen and that is truly wonderful. I am happy that my cats are getting weirder and more loving. I am happy that my partner and I still do chat via SMS. I am happy that I understand the technological way the world is moving. I am happy that I have this sense of nerdiness that allows me to appreciate all that is nerd and have that nerdiness infiltrate all areas of my life. I am happy that I am able to live and stay in a foreign land to experience a different world. This is truly something that not everyone is able to do and it is something I have always wanted to do.

I feel Secure...
I feel secure that all will end up the way it will and I will still be alive. I feel secure that even if things do explode in my life in the next few months that I have friends back home that will do more than just welcome me home. They will help me get back on my feet and support me for the rest of my life. I am confident of their love.

I am Grateful...
I am grateful for the wonderful things that I have in my life. For starters, since they are right in front of me, my cats. They love me and each other so much and I am grateful that they are like that. I am grateful for their personalities and for them. I am grateful for my friends both here and back home. "No man is a failure who has friends." They are truly a gift bestowed upon me and I appreciate them. I am grateful for my mother and brother who have endlessly worried about and supported me. They want the best for me and, in their own way, tell me that they miss me.

Taking Stock of My Life

2011-10-26T05:40:00.000-07:00

This post is intended to take a look and measure where I am at in my life. This is a very general topic with some probing questions. I will start out with some of the questions.

What is working?
Sometimes I think that nothing is working but when I get a chance to sit and look out into the world from a window, I start to develop a sense of patience and reflection. The window is very important to me; it is very telling and enlightening. As I stare out the window, I realize that my life, generally, works. I am not a horrible mess nor do I have any destructive addictions. I am, mostly, okay. My good friendships work really well. They are there no matter how far away I am or how much time passes before contact. My health is working with me as well. I know some may say that as a "at least" statement but I can say that my weight is maintainable, I have no infectious diseases (that I know of!), nor do I have anything that keeps me from feeling well enough to keep my life going.

What is not working?
My shoulders are not working! I say that in a joking manner but they are irritating. I work at a typing job and I have to sit all day long. Not only does my neck get stiff but my shoulders are achey and sometimes causes headaches. My marriage is currently not working. We are working on it but it seems that it doesn't get better. I feel that my career isn't working either. I do have a well paying job and that is all well and good, however, my overall career seems to be straying from where I want it to be. I am a developer for web applications but my heart currently is in being a librarian. I have my degree for library science but I used that to get my current path of software development.

What is missing in my life?
Friends, family, babies. I really want children but I am in no way in any position to be a parent. A falling through marriage and a non-full-time job makes me put the dreams of being a dad on hold. My friends and family are far away in a different country. I will be going back soon but this is my current state. I suppose more than anything is that emotions are missing from my life. I haven't cried at all for my marriage falling through or for me being so far away. I don't remember what love feels like. I miss compassion.

What are the best three things in my life?
The kittens, circles, and my new job. The kittens are always a source of comfort in my life. They are both perfectly different and loving. It is good to have them around. Circles have my attention as of recently. I can't stop recognizing them in the world. Their very organic shapes goes beyond what we can understand. They are amazingly beautiful. My new job is fun right now, so that is good.

What are the worst three things in my life?
I would say the first is my apartment. I don't like the feeling I get when I am inside of it. Perhaps it is haunted or that all the furniture belongs to the landlord. I don't know exactly but it doesn't feel like a home that is mine and at times it can feel very uncomfortable. Next is the state of my marriage. I lack the ability to appreciate it for what it is. Instead, I fantastize about what the next person will be like. I have this ridiculous concept of some person riding in on a white horse to rescue me from all my troubles and pains.Lastly, I would say that not being able to talk to be at work is bad. They speak a different language and my ability to speak that language is intermediate at best.

What does it feel like to be me?
Mostly sad and alone. I feel I have this nice big bubble layer around me to keep me from experiencing life in all its glory. The bubble layer around me also keeps me from seeing the beautiful colors and shapes and keeps out feelings, good and bad. My passions are quickly extinguished by a lack of interest in society. The oppression that I get from being gay by society tends to make me feel like a goon.

A letter to Chris

2011-10-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

Here is a letter to my partner about how I am playing games with him in order to show him what it is like for what he does to me, without knowing he is doing it. I've just realized that it is a passive aggressive attempt at proving a point to him.

Dear Chris,
I am playing games with you and I have just realized it. You like physical affection and like attention. That I know. I also like attention from you and some physical affection. THings turned a while back when you started getting more into technology and I felt that you started to neglect me and our relationship. I became not necessarily secondary to your computer, phone, programming, etc. but that became your escape from me. Well, that is how I started to view your use of technology. We would be in with people or in the middle of dinner and you would pull out your phone to check something. A common sequence of events is that you pull out your phone at the beginning of the meal to take pictures to document the meal. This leads to you wanting to post it on some social media site and that leads you to get somewhat distracted from dinner because now you are reading what is happening on the social media site with all your followers, friends, subscribers, et al. This, after a while, began to feel like you weren't paying attention to me or the situation. You looked bored and as if not enjoying yourself. I didn't know what to do to pull you back into the present, back into what we were doing together. I began to play games with you. I began to start ignoring you in ways in hopes that you would realize how it felt to be ignored and you would then stop ignoring me. That stage never happened. I subconciously thought that you would realize this but logically I understand, now, that it is a passive aggressive way of telling you that I am being hurt. I continued to ignore you in certain aspects (i.e. physical contact, love) still hoping you would get it. Now, I look at it and it seems stupid and ridiculous that I was doing that to you. You can't see that I am being hurt and cannot see, even more, the subtle ways that I have been thinking about how to make you pay attention to me. This is all new to me and I still have plenty to think through and expand on. I suppose the question right now is that if I tell you that you are hurting me by looking at your phone so often, if you could change that behavior.

More later,
Alex

Taking control...

2011-09-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

A solid problem that was pointed out to me recently was that I do not take control of my life. This post is about the ways which my passive ways of going about life has caused more problems than avoiding them. Avoiding problems is my default action when dealing with problems.

The Relationship
My partner is a planner and I am not. I feel like I have a good sense of what needs to be planned. I would like overall big things to be planned like work meetings, moving to another country, getting married, or having children. My partner likes to plan each week for cool things we are doing. When we don't have cool things going on, hanging-out plans with friends are created to fill the time. We have only about two days a week to ourselves. I need more. I also need more spontaneous time. But how does one be spontaneous with a planner? Planning spontaneous time seems sketchy. I digress. My passive action in the relationship has created a relationship that I do not like. I am not happy in this relationship where I have no time to myself to allow the spontaneous energy to cultivate. I have created this myseld, though. By remaining passive and by having no feedback on it, my partner goes on to create a life he wants uninterrupted. Had he had feedback, I am quite sure that he would have changed something. He may have not changed it completely or fully to my expectations but at least a compromise would have been created.

Work
Working passively is a mistake for anyone. I have been quite successful in my line of career. I have created excellent and trusthworthy references. I feel, though, I have not worked as I should have. I know that I have much more inside of me to give. This passiveness is dangerous because I am not fulfilling myself at work. I go home each day thinking that I could have done better or that I could have had a better influence on the direction of my work.

Me and 90-year old self

2011-09-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

I wait to meet him in a near empty parking lot next to some wilderness spot. He is already 20 minutes late and I am beginning to get hungry. We have a three hour hike in front of us and I am already getting hungry. I grab some nuts from my snack bag and ravenously shove them in mouth. Salted peanuts are good but too much in one bite and they can easily dry your mouth out. As I begin to chew the peanuts, I worry. I am worried that my 90-year old hiking buddy won't be able to make it the entire hike. He is 90 years old. That is plenty years old. When I finally manage to work the peanuts to the point where they have used up all my saliva, I hear a voice behind me.

"Hey me! I am here," he yells out with a wide smile.

I can't believe how amazing he...er...how amazing I look at the age of 90. I am not frail or sad looking. I am a happy, energetic, go-getting man.

"Sorry I'm late but I am sure that it will be plenty worth it. I saw a wine shop on the way and had to stop in and get something. Don't worry, I will carry it. Also, I brought more than enough instant hot chocolate to last us for years. I figured you would probably just bring the bare minimums, seeing as I know you so very well."

I can't help but smile at him. He does know me quite well. He was me. He knows very well what I am going to be asking him and what I need to know.

We gather our stuff and venture out. Apparently, at the age of 90, I own a small cottage which is a three hour hike in from a parking lot next to the ocean which is about 2 hours away from a city. I give a quiet smile thinking about how gregarious I will be. The hike was beautiful and full of pictures. We stopped every 30 minutes for a picture break and I picked up a few tips on good nature photos from the old man. He told me that we get into nature photography at some point focusing on animals and birds, birds especially. I find it a little odd seeing as how I only want to take pictures of squirrels.

After quite a long while, we arrive at "Château de Alexander", a lovely little handpainted sign tells me that. It is an extremely cozy cabin, in every sense of the word "cozy". It is small with only one gigantic room separated by changing screens. There are no chairs in the cottage. "I feel that when I bring people up here and they are forced to sit on the comfy pillows on the ground, they become so much more comfortable, so much faster. At the end of their stay, they are raving about how great it was to 'camp' out and only have pillows to sit on," he explains.

He announces that it is time for dinner. I pull out my freeze-dried instant meals and we prepare them and eat. Even though I am talking to my future self, I am still a little shy. He seems to pick up on that and we only talk about the cottage, the hike and the pictures we took for a good long while. He takes me outside while it is still daylight and starts showing me around his garden. And by garden, I mean a two-seater swing peering out into the wilderness. He tells me that in the morning the deer come over and are really friendly, as long as we are on the swing. The moment someone stands up or someone isn't on the swing, the deer run away and don't return until the next morning. I become quite excited for the possibility of seeing deer close up. After a good sit on the swing, we go back inside to start our dialog, the dialog we were intended to have.

He puts on the water, in what I consider the largest pot possible. He looks over at me staring and laughs saying that we like hot water and will more than likely go through it all. He takes out the boxes of tea and hot chocolate from his bag. He is totally me. I get so happy when I see him do that that I rush over and inspect the bounty. Earl Grey, Lemongrass, Ginger, Cherry, Keemun Black! After he sees me he starts to say as I join him in unison "Keemun Black - Ginger!" We are the same. No doubt about it now. My guard is completely let down now. He grabs the wine and has me open it while he gets the fancy wine glasses from the cupboard. He tells me to pour him a glass and goes over in the pillow circle and makes himself comfortable. "The fancy looking glasses are plastic, I love me," I think to myself as I get the glasses ready. I go over and hand him both glasses as I flop down and prepare my own little spot. He hands me my glass back and says, "this is where we begin."

"What would you have me know?" I start.

"Only that you need to get over yourself and stat. Your entire life you have been somewhat a taker. You haven't given enough back. In conversation, you only listen and are scared to talk to people. You are an amazing person and you have to believe me on that one. It is time for you to start demanding."

"What things could I do or experience that would have the most positive impact on my life?

"Start meditating and practicing yoga. Trust me, it will help. I am talking about a personal practice. It is fine if you want to go to a class here and there but you need to set yourself up a home, personal practice. This needs to be for you and not have someone else do it for you. You need the discipline to do it yourself. That would be the best start for you."

"Will that actually help me?"

"More than you know. We need the serenity from the mind. We need to break the mind into calming itself and loving itself. Only intention to love will do that. Everything you need to know, is already inside of you, you just have to let it out," he says as he pokes my heart.

"Are you talking about my inner child?"

"And your inner teenager, and your inner 25-year old, and your inner 35-year old, and so on. Learning about these stages in your life is fantastic and learning to live together is the best. You are avoiding a pain that is not going to kill you. Now finding that pain, I remember how hard that was."

"Can you tell me what that pain was and where to find it?"

"No, that would be cheating. Part of the pain is discovering it yourself. Feeling it yourself. "

"Will I be married and have children at your age?"

"How old are you again? Oh yes, you are going through something right now with Chris, right? It is amazing how time heals so many wounds. Not just passive time, but the assertive, active time."

"Are you not going to answer my last question," I wink.

"No." He smiles back.

"What can I do about Chris, then?"

"Give it a try. Seriously. This is where you need to start being demanding. If you aren't demanding, then you are going to have a world of pain and hurt. Just smile, inside, and give it a go. Accept the fact that you are letting your inner child take over when you are dealing with him. You don't want to give him attention because he consistently asks for it in his own inner child-hurt ways. You two as children, would never get along. As adults, well, I wouldn't want to give you spoilers."

"You are something else, you know that?"

"Hahaha! You just wait! You'll get yours." He says as he gets up to make some Keemun Black - Ginger tea.

"How can I learn to acknowledge the child-like actions?"

"Mindfulness. You have to stop autospeaking and start mindful talking. It is going to be difficult, tedious, and time consuming but it is worth it. Like how you are learning German right now. You are thinking of what you want to say and then you have to go over if you can say that in German. It's the same thing with mindful speaking. Think of what you want to say, go over if that is what you actually want to say and then say it. And no, I'm not going to talk German with you."

"So not fair that you have already experienced this conversation."

"Someday you will have it again as well!" He hands me my cup of tea.

"Smells great! Will I be happy?"

"Oh yes, you will be. You know that feeling inside that screams for being someone else? Well it shuts up. That is how happy we are."

"How does that voice go away?"

"You see someone one day and this person inspires you. The good thing is that instead of being fleeting like the other guys you see, it's permanent. We see this man in the mirror. We are our own inspiration."

"Talking to you is like reading a self-help book!" I chuckle.

"And you are quickly on your way to sounding the same."

"Do you like the way you look?"

"I love the way I look. Sometimes I spend an extra few minutes looking in the mirror in awe at me. Not because I think I am some young twink that is oh so sexy, buy because I am perfect for me. Look at how much we look alike but how different we are! Life is incredible and I am happy to have looked like you and now like this."

"What about amazing sex?"

"It's just for stories. Doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things."

"How do you view humanity?"

"Like they are, such great potential. Everyone, honestly, is so very beautiful. They all make different decisions and love different things and they MOVE! Humans are so incredible."

"Time for the meaning of life."

"You came up with something when you were around 9 years old. It still stands. The meaning of life is to live. We were quite a brilliant child, weren't we?"

"Yeah, we were. Still think you are a Buddhist Sage reincarnated?"

"Hahahaa!"

"Well?!"

"I was so funny."

"Apparently, I still am."

"Listen, kid, it's time to go to sleep. We've been at this for a while and regardless of what you think, I still am really old and need sleep."

"I figured. You have sleepy bedtime eyes. I will clean up here. You go get ready for bed."

I start cleaning up and hear the old me in the bathroom fumbling around. I have a lot to absorb from this conversation. I'm glad I've had this opportunity. I'm a pretty cool old dude. I finish up cleaning and prepare myself for bed. There is a king mattress in the floor with old me in it already. I jump under my blankets and wiggle comfortable.

"Will I be rich!?" I ask as I look around and realize I own a cottage.

"Spoilers," he says as he turns out the latern and we fall asleep.

I don't want to write about...

2011-09-21T06:56:00.000-07:00

I don't want to write about my sexual experiences when I was young. It is a moment in my life where I felt such shame and regret even though it happened continuously. I never took advantage of but I had always felt as if I did. I do not want to write about how my mother messed up while raising me. I have such a great relationship with her now and I don't want to think negatively of that. I don't want to write about how I think my mother is sad with her life because that makes me sad. She has gone through a lot and I feel that she has had to sacrifice a lot in order to continue her life. She has rationalized and settled, basically, for the life she has now. Accepting that, I feel I may start feeling some pain thinking that I was only a settled upon child, not being really loved. I don't want to write about what I want. But that is totally not true, I don't want to tell people what I want, that is true. I feel it so difficult to tell people what I want. There are expectations that they then need to meet and to think about. I don't want to be of any trouble. I don't want to write about failing my marriage. I would have to come to terms with telling everyone that it is over and all the work that they did at my wedding and in/for my relationship was gone to waste. I don't want to write about how unhappy I actually am with life and everything that I have. It is all so tragic. I don't want to write about when I had to take my pet rats to the vet to put them down because I had neglected them for a long while as their health was deteriorating. I just remained ignorant. I don't want to write about how I managed to fuck up things so badly with those that I love. I don't want to write about how disappointed I am that I am gay and will never have a "normal" family. I don't want to write about how I want to be someone else, a straight boy married to a girl with children.

Me...Only Younger

2011-09-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

This prompt is me watching my seven-year old self playing and having a good time. It is hard to begin because of all the shame and sadness outnumbers the happy and joyful times. I will start by describing the room that I am in.

My bed is next to my brother's bed. We are living in a two story house. The upstairs area is where our room is. It has sloped ceilings and a good window that I could climb through. There is a cabinet at the head of the bed that separates my bed from my brothers'. At the foot our beds is a cheap, wicker entertainment center where we have a television and a nintendo. I loved playing the nintendo. It was always so much fun to see who would do better. Usually my brother did. He would always gloat about it as well. Mostly in good humor but also to show some dominance. My toys are all lined up in the cabinet by the head of the bed. I could open the cabinet and see that I had the top shelf for my toys and my brother had the bottom shelf. His shelf is so messy and cluttered whereas mine is organized and straightened up. My toys are not lying down but standing up. It is organized by type of toy. For instance, all my action figures are at one end while the "misc" toys are at the other. It was nice to get out on the roof and look out onto the field. During one holiday, there were fireworks coming from the center of town. We didn't get to go but I was able to see some from the roof. The window was right above the cabinet and we had to turn a handle to open it. I use to run through the field in my barefeet to "strengthen" them. The field was full of small plants with thorns. Just a portion of the field was covered in them. I would run through and get stronger everyday. I remember having my brother's respect for that at some point. I was good at hiding my physical pain that way. It was so dirty back in the field. No one ever used it to grow crops or anything. It was just a bunch of dirt. Fun to play in though. My favorite tree was there too. I use to climb that tree so well. I knew all the spots to grab and hide things. When we moved away, I climbed the tree and had a nice long conversation with myself about how I was going to miss it. I would literally spend hours climbing in and out and around that tree. Before I said my final goodbye, I gave it some money and wedged it in really good so that the money would never slip out. I was such a goofy little kid. I was really nice and compassionate as well. I loved giving people gifts. I would spend all my money at Christmas time for gifts for other people and not think about getting me one. I would save and save for months thinking about what to get people.

I suppose what I would bring back from that time would be that sense of compassion and joy in that compassion. Feeling overjoyed at giving something to someone used to be such a great treasure. It seems as though that has all worn away now and gift giving seems more like an obligation. I would also love to climb more trees.

I remember...

2011-09-20T04:28:00.000-07:00

I remember my wedding day. It was a beautiful day out and the venue was perfect. I was really stressed out and nervous. I remember when I officially got married in the city hall. It was weird and I don't know what I was thinking. I remember driving a car over the city bridge. Such distinctness and brilliance to see the ocean underneath. I remember wine, a lot of it in Sonoma County. I remember long drives from Uni to the home of my parents. Nearly four hours of driving at various points in the day. Night time driving was always fun. I remember walking in the wilderness paths at my University. At night time, it gave such an eerily scary feel as if someone were watching. I remember a poodle walking with me on that path in the day time. He was so lovely and friendly. I remember my first cat who was protective over me. She would insist on licking my wounds and such. I remember a grey vest as a child. It was comforting to wear. I remember pink, hot pink, shorts. I loved them so much. The kids at school would make fun of me though but I ignored it. I was good at ignoring. I remember playing tetherball at school. I was the best at that. All the girls, only girls would play, would line up to try and defeat me but they couldn't, even the taller ones. I remember hot cereal that someone made for me. I don't remember much about it but it was good. I remember grandma making me Eggs in Bread. A simple piece of bread in a pan with a hole in the center. Then she would drop an egg in that hole, so good. I remember grandma. She was skinny but soft. I remember refusing to come off of my bunk bed as a child. Two cousins and my brother were leaving somewhere and I told them I would stay behind. I was angry. I was alone. I remember nothing right now. I remember the concrete barrier in front of my old house. I played on it alot. I remember dad telling me that they were going to send my brother away to foster care. That made me sad. I remember, after hearing that, playing so quietly with the leaves that fell on our lawn from the neighbor's tree. I remember the fence that separated our house from his. It was so rustic and beautiful and damp. I remember eating strawberries from the field behind neighbor's house. So small but I loved them.

Goals

2011-09-20T02:42:00.000-07:00

There are a couple of goals that I want to get out of this journaling experience. One is to fix my relationship. We have been together for about 4 and a half years now and things are falling apart. I fear the worst for the relationship. My only hope is to be honest and keep telling him what I want. His name is Chris. I have an issue with telling people what I want. I suppose, I fear that at some point they will start yelling at me. That leads me into my next goal; fixing my inner child. When I say "fixing", I mean to get in contact with the poor lad and tell him how amazing he is. This is rather difficult while I logically understand how he should feel and how I felt back then but I don't quite realize it yet. This is a hard point for me to make and I have tried over and over again but I will still continue to try. There is a difference between knowing and believing or knowing and feeling. I know how I should have felt back then, as a child. The facts are clear. I was raised by two parents who were hurt children as well. I was a mere obligation. Father seemed to not want kids around at all. I was always so isolated. I wanted to hang out on the roof of the house or in a tree, by myself. It was much more peaceful out there. No one ever bothered me. I suppose, though, I always did want someone to come over and join me or get me out of the tree. I know that these facts exist but I struggle with feeling the pain that the kid felt.

In conclusion, two goals. Fixing relationship and feeling the pains of my past.

Journaling for health

2011-09-20T02:36:00.000-07:00

I have been told that journaling is good for the soul, body and mind...I hope it is. Here are my metrics:

name: Alexander Sebastian Oliver

age: 30

location: Germany

weight: 75kg

height: 180cm

occupation: software engineer

gender: male

orientation: gay

marital status: in a relationship

I am reading this book called Jornalution and will be switching between typing here and writing in my physical journal. I will not be using true names here for the people in my life but I will be using them in my physical journal.